1. The preacher
When you’ve had a long day and you’re just looking forward to the warmth of your bed, these people decide that you must have no rest on the journey home. If you’re lucky, they will be screaming on the top of their voices but when the gods have decreed you unlucky, they will have a megaphone with them.
They will threaten hell, fire and brimstone if you don’t accept Jesus and start attending a good church- usually theirs. If they really mean business, they will collect offering right there in the bus. These people don’t care how tired you are; they don’t care if you’re receiving a phone call, they just keep shouting on top of their voices.
2. The crazy conductor that claims he doesn’t have change
These ones are there to frustrate your life. They will just be growling and spraying spit all over you, screaming that they don’t have change, as if danfo bus is exact fare toll gate lane. And if you’re seated by the door, he is going to hang his sweaty armpits over your head and his crotch will be in your face throughout the journey.
At the end of the day he will cuss you out and then ask you and another passenger to split some money and find change for yourselves. Or he will just try to scatter everything and make off with your change. Unless you can fight him like this girl, only God can help you.
3. The woman with five children who wants to pay for just one seat
If you sit beside this woman, just forget about peace of mind for the rest of the journey. She will stylishly put two of her children in front of you so that you have little choice than to help her ‘lap’ them.
Her youngest child will also try to chew the strap of your bag, or stain your clothes with dirty palms. At this point you’ll just be wishing, hoping and praying that they get to their bus stop and go away with their wahala.
4. The sleeper
This Jonah has decided that the bus is his bedroom and he will fall asleep without hesitation. If you’re unfortunate enough to sit beside this person, your shoulder becomes their pillow as they will just rest their head on your shoulder and snore with all confidence.
It doesn’t matter that you shake your shoulder to jerk them awake. They will still do the same thing in less than five minutes so just accept your fate and carry your cross.
5. The loud one who tries to make conversation with everyone
This one will first make as phone call on the top of his voice for some minutes. Once the call ends he tries the shift the conversation to you.
Your silence will not deter him and he will continue to talk loudly or discuss politics, to which he has all Nigeria’s solutions before he gets off at his bus stop.
6. The pervert who keeps trying to cop a feel
This demon manifests in form of a useless man who sits beside of behind you in the bus. If he is beside you, he will keep digging in his pocket or bag for something, all the while grazing your breast with his elbow.
If he sits behind you, he’s going to press his knees forward till they’re resting plush against your bum. And he is going to continue adjusting and re-adjusting, rubbing your bum with his knee all the while.
7. The ‘staff’ who doesn’t pay his fare
Here is one more reason we don’t respect members of our armed forces. Soldiers and policemen in Lagos don’t pay their fares. They just say they’re staff and the conductor minds his business.
He doesn’t even bother to ask them for money. Sometimes, someone who isn’t wearing a uniform lays the same claim. He often has his beret or ID on him though, and he claims that is enough identification.
Sometimes the conductor lets it slide. Sometimes, there is an argument with spit flying everywhere.
This post first appeared on NEWSROOM